The Definitive NFFL Knows Ball Rankings

As we sit here with Week 6 on the horizon, I’m starting to notice the contentiousness heating up in the

group chat. It appears in the last 2 years the chat has blown up during the season with shit talking and

overall hi-jinx between team owners. Nothing brings me joy quite like that. You always hear of fantasy

leagues after a long period of time fading off into the sunset once people start getting wives, families,

kids, all that bullshit. There is no doubt in my mind this league will be together till the end of days. And I

think the glue that keeps that all together is that for 17 weeks in the fall, we all hate each other.

As tempers fly and insulting trade offers are circulated, the mom jokes and personal insults skyrocket.

And I thought to myself, how do we add more logs to this fire? Oh, I know, why not rank the NFFL

members in a knows ball rankings.

What’s the criteria for the “know ball” rankings? I have no idea. The term that has since taken over football social media the last two years sounds cool but don’t believe there is any measurement as to the highest and lowest of knowing ball. It just seems to go off vibes. My measurement here will go off of overall football knowledge, fantasy knowledge, and ultimately how much this person is pissing me off at this moment in time. We will go 1-12, 1 being the person I believe knows ball the most, and 12 being the least. This is not up for debate, but definitely discussion.

1. Keer- As a former center, Keer knows the in’s and out’s of a gameplan at any time. He might also

be the biggest die-hard fan in this chat with his dedication to Gang Green and the constant

suffering. He’ll be the first to tell you that the Zach Wilson tape is bad, but not horrible. Not to

be forgotten, he is also a 2-time champ, making 3 of the last 4 NFFL championship games. One

of which he won riding the coat-tails of Ryan Fitzpatrick and Breshard Perriman on the Tampa

Bay Bucs. Those type of moves are engrained in you, not taught. Feel very comfortable with this

man in the 1 spot.

2. Me- that’s right me. Did I play football? No. Actually, I did play PAL the first year it was brought

to Northport. However, when I saw my name on the list of heavyweights before a game one day

it shook me to my core. I’ll never fully forget that moment. Me, Ham and Brennan Comiskey just

basically being gas lit for growing a little too early. Sue us! I pivoted to full time kick ball player

and never looked back. Look- the jokes of me making the championship game and losing is a

good story line for the league. Haven’t been there in a few years but I’ll be back. You’ll always

have someone to root against if I get there. But you can not deny I will compete year in year out

and unless crazy injury luck happens, which I’m well aware is possible at any given moment, I

won’t be dressing up at next years draft. Will I ever win? Probably not but god damnit I’ll die

tryin.

3. Greg- Is there anyone that quite knows an offense or play calling like a former backup quarter

back? I don’t think so. Greg was the perfect Alex Moran back in High School. The goofy second

tier guy who all he wanted to do was drink beers at the goat house. Once Leah Chautin came

into his life? Forget about it. Guy was facing doobies and shotgunning till he’d come home to

Norton Drive and just take a piss on his bedroom floor with big bro right by his side. In all

seriousness, Greg is a 2-time winner of this league, and although he my have a had a rough go of

it in recent years, the man knows his stuff and will never roll over and let the league pet his

belly. Keep pounding baby bro.

4. Joe- it pains me to have him this high. He is a 2 or 3 time league slave at next year’s draft,

however this isn’t solely a fantasy football knows ball rankings. Big bro lived in the film room

during his glory days as MLB #53 for the northport tigers. He could tell you which gaps to fill on

run defense but doesn’t have a clue how to do that in the bedroom. I’m glad that they don’t give

MIC’s to high school football players, cause Joe probably would have been the guy with the

microphone. “53’s the Mic” Yeah, but 53 is a clown. After Stacey Bedell ran for his 4 th

touchdown he probably would have said “Guys Campbell just told us to all dab after we get in

our stance? Idk”

5. Shane – The next 4 or 5 guys are all kind of around the same in my eyes, so this will solely be

based on how much I like each one at this moment in time. Shane is probably lower on this list

in years past, but with all the free time he has on his hands currently I know this guy is studying

the tape and always thinking about ball. The self-proclaimed trade king, Shane couldn’t help

himself after starting 4-0 to see what the market was like. Man just loves trades. And what

happens? Drops his first game of the season. A Chef’s Kiss kind of moment. Hit his line though-

you know it's always open. Oh would you look at that. He just texted me….A shit offer.

6. Barb- Two time this, two time that. Yeah Yeah. What was that 8 years ago? Although I most

definitely would be the same way so can’t blame him. If you asked barb to describe football in 5

words or less, he would probably say “Wrestling with a Football”. However, I know Barb is

locked in on Sundays. He’s either at home watching with Fran or putting our NYS tax dollars to

work by just dozing off on Police Cam footage glued to Scott Hanson. I truly think Barb has the

best team this year, and that very annoying saying he always uses could be increased by a

number. Please god, no.

7. Stolls- this seems like the perfect spot for Stolls on this list. Not Towards the top, but not

towards the bottom just smack in the middle. Stolls could be higher on this list if he put the

work in, but he’s too focused on making memes and smoking grass to reach his full potential.

Albeit the Mr Yocks BBQ GIF’s had me cackling the other night. His claim to fame on the

football front was blocking an extra point in middle school. Holy shit if I had a dime for every

time I’ve heard that story. He does have a championship belt under him, and with a 5-0 start

on the season (so fraudulent), will be in contention for another one come December and

January.

8. Steve- Look Steve probably deserves to be a bit higher on this list, but he uses the term “know

ball” more than anyone I’ve ever met. Therefore I can’t help to think that he is pea-cocking in

the knows ball department. Look, Steve “played” football in high school. Those shoulder injuries

prevented us from ever seeing what could have been, but I have no doubt he was locked into

the O Line techniques all 4 years. The reality is, if you were to take an all time W-L record for this

league since it has been serious, Steve is probably the one all the way at the bottom. Ehh maybe

Joe. A shame because I did like his team this year but injuries have made it spiral. Head up Steve,

better days are coming. Maybe. Steve’s response to this blog will be “Darius Slayton” after Eli

threw him 3 touchdowns in the playoffs against me a few years back. Hats off, gotta take the L

every once in a while. Every blind squirrel finds a nut.

9. Pape- I wanted to put him lower but this feels like right about where he belongs. The league

villain, or needle mover, as he so often refers to himself. The guy is the king of the low ball offer

off the bat and holding his players on a much higher pedestal than what they are worth. Can’t

blame him though. Pape came into this league with some hype and some good teams, I think?

Team upside has been more like team downside in recent years, but a hot start has him towards

the top of the standings and in contention. I’ve always respected his capabilities as a fantasy

owner, but it never seems to translate to the box score on Sundays. Could this be the year? I

think it’s well within possibility.

10. Fish – Look Fish knows fantasy football. He’s a league winner and is constantly competing at the

top of the rankings. Well, now that I think about it, he’s actually come in last twice too. Hmm

this is interesting. However, I can’t get out of my head this guy moved to Florida and now on

Sunday’s sends a snap out on his patio of his 32’ TV watching Redzone. That’s just a set-up for

absolute scrubs. The grit of football and knowledge is proved between the 20’s, not in the

Redzone. Get your money up Fish, not your funny up.

11. Pat- This one very well could be well off, however this is probably the league member I know the

least about. Every time I bring up his name around my Mother she goes “oh I have the cutest

picture of you two on your first day of Kindergarten, let me go find it.” If I’m not mistaken he

also took one of my family members to prom and if I know his personality, exposed her to hard

drugs and alcohol. Smh. However Pat does seem to have a grip on the fantasy football thing, as

he seems to always be competing since he entered the league. However, like Nicky, just has too

many things going on in his personal life to know the difference between a Cover 2 and Tampa

2.

12. Nicky- listen this is nothing personal and I’m not saying he’s a dumb football mind. Guy just

doesn’t watch ball. He’ll be the first to tell year after year so when he has a team that crumbles,

he’ll always have that to fall back on. Full proof plan Nick well played. He has won a

championship many moons ago if I’m not mistaken on the back of Peyton Manning and the

Broncos. Seriously, I think his entire team was that Broncos roster.

Look, when money is on the line Nick Michalek comes to play and he has the luck to always

compete. He’s having a rough go of it this year but with Kupp coming back I think this a team

that makes a turn around. Especially since I gave him basically a roster of 4 starters. Okay-

maybe this is personal. Love you though Nick, don’t put me 6 feet under.

I feel good about this list. IF you’d like to be higher trade me your best player for a bench stash.

The JJ news has me ready to crumble into a ball.

With Love,

El Jerko.